Actually, the important stuff that's been on my mind has to do with conversations. They are old conversations I've kept tucked in the back of my mind. I bring them out every now and then, to examine them, mull them over and wonder, yet again,
"Is anyone else as weird as me?"
These conversations have all been with my kids. At the time, they've all sounded reasonable. The words come out, they make perfect sense and it only takes a split second before the rational part of my mind thinks something like, "Huh?"
Believe me, as time has distanced me from these conversations, they've only gotten stranger.
Let me elaborate.
I am in the laundry room and the kids are playing nearby in the playroom. I'm pulling clean clothes out of the dryer and folding them. My most favorite job in the whole world, people! I love to - no, LIVE to fold clothes. It makes my heart sing! It gives meaning to my life! And if you believe that you need to start at the beginning of this blog and read everything I've posted since. You'll have a better appreciation for the sarcasm. Anyway, back to the scene.
I've emptied the dryer and begun loading it with wet clothes from the washer. I notice something in the bottom of the washer. It's small and plastic - a Lego minifigure. I pull it out, examine it and yell, in the general direction of the playroom,
"Daniel, Mace Windu just went through the washer!"
Now, I knew exactly what I was talking about. Mace Windu is a Star Wars Jedi knight and Daniel loves him. Mace had gotten lost and lo and behold, there he was in the washer. It was a rescue! But seriously, folks, the words were hanging there in the air and anyone within hearing distance, not in the know, would have thought, "Well, that sounded weird."
I can only agree.
Daniel with his buddy, Mace Windu, on the right.
Several months ago I was in the kitchen slaving away I mean making lunch and Katie was playing upstairs. Suddenly, she yelled down to me,
"Mom, the baby you had when you were a little girl has a hole in its bottom and its guts are falling out."
Whaaa - wha - what?
The baby I had when I was a little girl? Huh? Ohhhhhh, riiiiiiight. Yes, the words are hanging there, flashing neon in the air of my house, and they make perfect sense to me. Let's translate, shall we?
The BABY DOLL I had when I was YOUNGER has a SEAM near it's bottom that is COMING APART and the little pieces of STUFFING are coming out.
There - feel better? Most people would be calling Child Protective Services.
I am eight months pregnant with Katie and we are trying to potty train 3 1/2 year-old Matthew. He's good with the potty part, just not the poo part. He is sitting on the potty and I am sitting on the side of the tub, talking to him. He needs to go poo and wants me to put his pull up back on so he can go in IT instead of the potty. I'm trying to talk him into going in the potty, like a big boy. I'm desperate to have him succeed at this and am trying to think of anything I can to get him to go. I just want ONE KID to be freaking potty trained before the third one comes. Please? Is that too much to ask? Here's how the conversation went, to the best of my recollection;
"Buddy, I know you need to go poo. Can you please do it in the potty? The potty is the place for poo, not in your pants. Potties are the perfect place for poo! See, the poo likes the potty! The poo WANTS to go in the potty! The potty and the poo are friends!"
And that's when I had an out-of-body experience. I saw myself from above, sitting on the side of the bathtub, my ginormous, pregnant belly making it difficult to breathe, while I assigned human characteristics to poo. I clearly remember thinking, "Whose life is this? This cannot be me. What happened to the cool, skinny person who could carry on a decent conversation?" And while this is happening in my head, the words, "the potty and poo are friends" are echoing in the bathroom.
If anyone, ANY OTHER ADULT had been within hearing distance they would have arranged for aerial spraying of Prozac over my house. Immediately.
Lord help me. Because there will be more. More weird conversations.
Hopefully the Prozac will have kicked in by then.